Watch: ‘Absolutely terrified’ – How Auckland woman lived in fear of her stalking ex

It’s been three years since May* and her ex-partner broke up, but the stalking she’s been subjected to ever since has been unrelenting and has continued long after he fled Aotearoa.
May is now using her experience in a new Loading Docs film, The Man Outside, to show the devastating impact stalking can have and to highlight the case for an anti-stalking law in New Zealand.
When May and her ex first broke up she brushed off their frequent run-ins and his knowledge of things she hadn’t shared with him as coincidence.
“If I was at the mall he was there, he’d turn up outside of work, there were times where I’d leave the gym and find him at my car.
“He never went to the gym while we were together.”
On some level, May didn’t want to believe she was being stalked by the man she had dated for nearly two years.
“I was still very much in denial about it.”
His harassment of her soon escalated to him showing up at her new flat during the night, and allegedly taking a motorbike which belonged to a man she’d recently started seeing.
Around this time she said he showed up as she was getting off a bus and was hanging outside the flat of a man she was dating.
May said she brought these incidents and all the ways she alleged he was stalking her to the police on multiple occasions.
“I kind of got the response that I expected, which was, ‘Well we can’t do anything about the online stuff and you already reported the other stuff and we have no leads, so there’s nothing really we can do’.”
At a later date she said a police worker called her and told her she should have filled out trespass notices for locations like her home and workplace.
May wrote out the documents and then had to deliver them to him personally, during which she alleges he “lost it”, leaving her “absolutely terrified”.
“When he punched the wall I was like, ‘Jesus Christ he’s angry enough, he could hurt me’… I bolted out the door.”
Although contact from him ceased for a few days, she said he began going to places she was that she wasn’t able to trespass him from, for example her gym, grocery store and coffee shop.
He then continued to turn up at her house, walking back and forth along the street, she said.
“I was exhausted, I was worn out, I wasn’t sleeping.
“That feeling of when your shoulders are locked up, when you’re really tense that’s what I felt like all the time and I get it even now when I talk about it.”
While May said he was eventually charged, and fled the country a few days later, she told the Herald he is still contacting her online.
May chose to tell her story in the documentary because she wanted to show the reality of stalking and that this behaviour is not okay.
“All I wished for at the time it was happening is that there was one, someone that knew what I was going through, and two that there was someone to help me and I didn’t have either of those things,” she told the Herald.
“The laws in New Zealand are more concerned with protecting his reputation, than my safety.”
Director Liv McClymont told the Herald she was inspired to create the film after witnessing firsthand the devastating effects of stalking.
She was also inspired by the tragic story of AUT law student Farzana Yaqubi, 21, who was murdered in December 2022 by Kanwarpal Singh. The Herald on Sunday revealed she had gone to police with concerns she was being harassed two months before she was murdered.
“Last year, when I learned of Farzana Yaqubi’s murder, I saw chilling parallels to my friend’s experience. Both women faced relentless stalking, and in both cases, the police did little to help. Farzana’s story ended in tragedy – how close had my friend come to the same fate?”
She hopes the film will contribute to the growing movement to make stalking a criminal offence in New Zealand.
“I think our laws are long outdated and protect the perpetrator far more than they protect victims. We need stalking-specific legislation in Aotearoa if we hope to reduce the number of people horribly affected by stalking.”
Earlier this year Justice Minister Paul Goldsmith committed to getting a bill into the House before the end of the year to make stalking illegal.
Goldsmith told the Herald last week he recognises the public concern and has instructed his officials to “speed things up”.
“The proposed legislation put forward by the petitioners is a great starting point.
“We will be making announcements soon.”
*May’s name has been changed to protect her identity.
The Man Outside launches on Tuesday, October 1, as part of the new Loading Docs collection.
Katie Harris is an Auckland-based journalist who covers issues including sexual assault, workplace misconduct, media, crime and justice. She joined the Herald in 2020.
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